Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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