Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You left your phone here
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