Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
