Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Four minutes until I can fart!
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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