I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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