Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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