On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
