my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize