i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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