I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
