there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
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My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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