took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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