the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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