I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
