The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
