we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
