she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
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The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
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I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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