Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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