i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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