I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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