If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
