I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I think your dad took our porno
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
