Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
