My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I need to sanitize my soul.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
