was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
