your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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