Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
