At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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