final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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