I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
