I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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