I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
