i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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