the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
