apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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