the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
