If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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