what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
