Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
