mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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