just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
