she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
