where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I wish I could punch you in the face.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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