You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
