apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
sex in a hospital.. check
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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