My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
