It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
