the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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