Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
