Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
