So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
