My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
