just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
