Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Boobs speak an international language.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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