Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
